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Opublikowano

na tym łańcuchu zardzewiał pies
pamiętam jego budę- zgniły szafot
leżały kości zeżarte
kosa z uśmieszkiem szczała na
płot wydęty z gwoździem
wisi słomiany kapelusz do krwi
kiszą się ogórki zimą w sen
białe nietoperze

nóż szkli księżyc- kolacja
za oknem niebieskich makatek
pod stogami dom i zdechły
paszkwil bór obora.

Opublikowano

leżały kości zeżarte ----------jak zeżarte, to nie miało co leżeć

kosa z uśmieszkiem szczała ---------- nieco tandetne

Ogólne wrażenie jednak dobre.
Wiersz wyrazisty, gęsty, " ni ma " - szorstkie, oszczędne ale i podskórnie ciepłe.
Po poprawkach - na tak.

Opublikowano

Nie wiem, ale widzę, że użytkownicy z uporem maniaka cały czas stosują epitety, metafory do opisu "krajobrazu?" Ale przecież to nie wszystko, to nie do końca oto chodzi! Wiersz musi mieć jakąś treść. Czy tu chodzi o śmierć psa? O czym to jest?
Pozdrawiam

Opublikowano

Wydaje mi się, że zastosowanie inwersji w leżały kości zeżarte niekoniecznie sprawdza się w tym dosyć jednostronnym i właściwie całkiem prostym tekście. Tu płot wydęty z gwoździem podobnie. Właściwie analizując cały tekst jest on przesycony szykiem przestawnym, który moim zdaniem służy stylizacji. A w tym tekście takowej być nie powinno. Bo to dosyć bezpośredni, drastyczny wydźwięk, po co mu patos? Fajna druga strofa.

p.

Opublikowano

Szyk przestawny to nie tylko patos, ale także archaizacja, która tutaj ma sens, bo jest to w moim odczuciu wiersz o umieraniu dawnej wsi. Obraz w wierszu jest przejmujący: opuszczona chata, obora, stogi, a na podwórzu buda i przywiązany do niej, zdechły pies, a właściwie już tylko jego kości, które w pamięci Peela mieszają się z kośćmi nadżartymi niegdyś przez tegoż psa. Trup porzuconego zwierzęcia jest tu symbolem porzucania rodzinnych gospodarstw i wszystkiego, co w nich żyło.
Bardzo mi się podoba ten wiersz.

Opublikowano

przenicowany wiatrem i słońcem krajobraz z życia, jakby opowiedziany przez świadka wydarzeń. Ducha wsi składającego zeznanie na wizji lokalnej.
Podoba mi się takie pisanie. Świetny klimat.
Pozdrawiam.

Opublikowano

Zaloguj się, aby zobaczyć zawartość.



to się zgadza i mówiąc o stylizowaniu m.in. tę archaizację miałam na myśli



To Twoje zdanie. Ja uważam, że inwersje są nieuzasadnione. Wieś dzisiejsza mimo wszystko nie różni się tak bardzo, a surowy klimat wiersza utworzony bez pomocy takich zabiegów jak szyk przestawny właśnie - moim zdaniem - wywołałby w czytelniku większą niemoc, większy żal.

p.
Opublikowano

Zaloguj się, aby zobaczyć zawartość.


Każda z nas ma prawo do własnego zdania i odczuć. Autor także. Mnie się bardziej podoba ze stylem lekko archaicznym. Zdecydowanie bardziej.
A wieś obecna niesłychanie różni się od tej sprzed 40-tu lat. Tamta umiera, porzucona, rdzewieje. Dosłownie i w przenośni. Strasznie to żałosne widoki.
Opublikowano

Zaloguj się, aby zobaczyć zawartość.


Każda z nas ma prawo do własnego zdania i odczuć. Autor także. Mnie się bardziej podoba ze stylem lekko archaicznym. Zdecydowanie bardziej.
A wieś obecna niesłychanie różni się od tej sprzed 40-tu lat. Tamta umiera, porzucona, rdzewieje. Dosłownie i w przenośni. Strasznie to żałosne widoki.

Oczywiście, że ma prawo. Dlatego pozwoliłam sobie na wyrażenie opinii.

p.

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    • @bazyl_prost nie żądze, a idioci:) każdy się mści przez pieniądze.
    • A też rożki goli logik. Żorżeta
    • Ma to? Ma to. Kota motam
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